


In This Motel Room

by jargedcoffee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Motel Rooms, Porn with Feelings, Porn with Humor, Smut-ish, cockblock, fluff-ish, half-smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 15:44:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14674260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jargedcoffee/pseuds/jargedcoffee
Summary: Dean wants to get fucked, and Castiel is happy to oblige - if he can.- or -Sex has never been easy for Castiel, and now he finds out just how hard it can get.(Set in S13, just a little bit after 13x05, Advanced Thanatology)





	In This Motel Room

**Author's Note:**

> Another...experimental...fic. I was ashamed to write this, but only at first. Now I have no shame. My apologies to you, dear reader.
> 
> Questions? Comments? I'd love your feedback. Direct messages can go straight to my Tumblr: jargedcoffee.tumblr.com

“I’ve missed you, Cas”, panted Dean in between kisses.

Moments like these made Castiel feel like his self-control was non-existent. It always began the same way: he would feel a familiar fire burn inside him - raging and yearning, and suddenly he was an animal.

Of course, yearning was nothing new for Castiel, who up to this point had been separated from Dean one too many times, so he could never resist whenever he finally had the chance to be close to him like this. He was almost rabid, pinning Dean to the wall by his arms while simultaneously assaulting him with torrid, hungry kisses.

But something was different this time.

He placed one of his hands to Dean’s nape and began delivering kisses to his neck. “You’re a very welcome sight.” Castiel whispered to Dean’s ear, making him shudder.

Castiel lived for moments like this. It was as if the whole world melted away, and all he could see and hear was Dean. Nothing else mattered other than bathing himself in Dean’s comforting warmth and listening to his soft, gentle moans. Castiel was thankful for the chance.

It would not even have happened were it not for Sam, who practically forced Dean to let Castiel go on this case. Days after Castiel came back from the dead for the third time in history, he could not help noticing Dean keeping an eye on him every waking moment. Dean always had to know where he was, what he was doing, and why he was doing it.

This began innocently - a few questions here and there whenever Castiel stood up to do something. It then escalated to 5 missed calls and 10 texts messages asking “Where the hell are you” while he was simply in the bunker’s library reading up on nephilim lore.

Surely, Dean must have had good reason. Castiel could not help feeling, however, like he was being treated like a child who needed a parent’s watchful eye, but he could not blame Dean either, because he _did_ die after all. Maybe he _did_ need someone watching over him.

At some point, however, it drove Sam crazy, and when Dean found the case, Castiel overheard the brothers having a discussion in the kitchen.

“Dean, I know you’re happy to have Cas back and all, but you can’t keep him on a short leash forever.”

“Short leash? What are you talking about?"

“I mean - _this_ ! Keeping tabs on him all the time, not letting him out of the bunker - _hell_ you won’t even let him buy supplies. It’s not healthy!”

“I told you man. Having Cas back? It’s a pretty damn big win. Not losing this one again.” That hit Castiel hard. He had not known that Dean had felt that way. He was torn between that fire inside him and a creeping frustration that Dean was not more open to him.

“Dude, I saw you tracking his phone’s GPS. You’ve gotta give him some space man. Let him go on this case, please,” Sam paused, “Okay, look, at least if he’s with you, you can keep an eye on him.”

Dean was convinced very quickly after that. They drove for 6 hours to the motel listening to Led Zeppelin on repeat. Castiel could not focus on the music, however, because he was forced to listen to Dean’s highly educational 6-hour master class lecture on the band and their songs.

It was actually a pleasant experience.

They arrived at the motel at night time, the moon shining directly overhead with a silvery glow. Perhaps it was the mood set by the light of the yellow lamp on the nightstand, but it barely took 10 minutes before Castiel was overcome by the urge to pin Dean to the wall, look him straight in the eye, and bring their lips together. That was how he eventually ended up planting kisses on Dean’s neck. It definitely was not something they planned.

“ _Mmmmhh_ \- oh yeah - just like that, Cas.” That was permission enough for Castiel to continue leaving more wet spots on Dean’s neck, doing it ever so gently to prevent any lasting marks. He did not want Dean to have to explain that to Sam.

Slowly, Castiel released Dean’s other hand and placed his own arms around Dean’s waist. He felt him do the same, and they were wrapped in a tight embrace as he began licking and sucking on the sides of Dean’s ear. He pulled him even closer until he could feel Dean’s bulge against his. It was hard.

Castiel felt Dean fumbling with his tie and trying to undo the knot. In response, Castiel quickly grabbed Dean’s jaw with his hand and pulled their lips together. He felt the heat of Dean’s mouth against his, their hot breaths meeting in the middle. Dean eventually gave up with Castiel’s tie and decided to place his arms around Castiel’s shoulders instead.

Castiel felt that familiar fire rage inside him again. “Take off your shirt and get on the bed,” he said with a squint, pointing his eyebrows. Dean smiled and immediately obeyed, lifting his arms as he took off his shirt and let it fall to the floor.

“You know I love it when you get all boss-” Castiel turned him around and pushed him straight onto the bed, using a little bit more force than necessary.

“Whoa. Easy there tiger. We’ve got all night.”

But Castiel was not going to go easy, because something _was_ different this time. Ever since he came back, time was much less passive. The reality that he was immortal, and yet he faced death head on - it hit him like a ticking clock, reminding him that every moment mattered. Every moment with Dean mattered.

He observed as Dean adjusted his position and licked his lips expectantly, and he found himself staring at Dean’s muscular form - a natural kind of brawn honed by years of hunting. If there was anything Castiel had wanted to do with his possibly limited time, it was this: to look at Dean and feel the thrill of knowing that he had laid witness to his body.

Truthfully, this was not the first time he had seen Dean’s glorious form. The first time this happened was in a motel and case much like this one, and it was just as unplanned. More than that, it was supposed to be a one time thing, that became a two time thing, and a three time thing. It never became serious, however. They always ended at heavy petting, never crossing the proverbial line.

Castiel took off his trenchcoat and tie, letting both fall to the floor. He began unbuttoning his polo slowly, teasing Dean as he slowly revealed his well-built frame and lined stomach. When he was finished, his polo draped down to his sides. Dean was staring.

“Come here, Cas.” Dean said it so delicately, like he was beholden to something so fragile and he was afraid of breaking it. His voice rang through Castiel’s ears, and Castiel felt his body relax.

He slowly approached the bed, going on top and straddling Dean with his arms and legs. As he stared at Dean’s eyes, his stomach turned in knots.

He could never have enough of those eyes. Green. Like grass in the spring - like emeralds were seared into his irises. He looked at them every chance he could, because there was always a hint of something there, hidden in plain sight. It seemed that if he could only take a peek inside, he would see something beautiful.

He leaned in to plant a kiss on Dean’s lips - slowly, then all at once. Their tongues met, and Castiel felt the heat of Dean’s mouth once more. His eyes closed and electricity pulsed all around his lips and his back, where Dean had placed his arms inside Castiel’s open polo. It was sultry, torrid, and messy all at the same time. Castiel went on his elbows, reached down to both of Dean’s nipples, and squeezed.

Dean let out a moan much louder than Castiel had expected him to.

That was when he felt Dean reach down to unbuckle his own belt. He continued playing with Dean’s nipples while kissing him. Dean panted all throughout, letting soft, hot air escape his mouth to land on Castiel’s face. His moans were stifled by Castiel’s eager kisses.

When Castiel was satisfied by Dean’s pleasure, he went down and started sucking on one of Dean’s nipples.

“ _Unnghh_ \- yeah - keep - keep - _mmhh_ \- doing that,” breathed Dean.

Everytime he heard Dean’s shallow breaths, Castiel felt accomplished. He was a good student and a fast learner, always keen on making sure Dean was satisfied with his work. From previous sessions, he had collected a list of things that Dean particularly liked, keeping it in mind each time.

Recalling the list, Castiel started alternating between sucking and flicking his tongue against one of Dean’s nipples. “ _Ummhhh_ , yeah that feels good Cas.” Dean pulled his pants down just enough for Castiel to look down and see the bulge on his white underwear.

It was very wet.

Castiel got off Dean and knelt at the edge of the bed in front of Dean’s bulge. He took out Dean’s hardening cock and remembered the next item on the list. This was easy. He spit on Dean’s cock and started jacking him off with a light pressure on the touch. Dean’s breathing became even more shallow and quick, letting Castiel know that he was doing well.

Up and down Castiel’s hand went on Dean’s cock. He jacked him off faster, with more pressure this time. Dean’s moans became louder - almost with a hint of desperation. Castiel saw Dean lay his arms flat on the bed, grasping at the blanket.

Castiel needed more. If all he got out of this was to see Dean writhing in ecstasy, it would be more than enough. Bringing home another win for Dean - that was how Castiel got his rocks off. Fortunately, he knew exactly how to do that.

He gripped the head of Dean’s cock firmly and started jacking off _only_ the sensitive head as fast as he reasonably could.

_“UGH! FUCK, Cas!_ ” Dean started shaking, gripping at the blankets mindlessly. Seeing Dean like this - it was almost amusing for Castiel. This was for Dean, and he was proud of it.

Right at the peak of Dean’s suffering, Castiel brought his head down and took Dean’s cock whole in his mouth. He bobbed his head up and down the whole length, never using his teeth.

“FUCK! Son of a bitch - Cas - damn it! _Unngh_!”

Castiel had been looking forward to seeing Dean like this - saying words but making utterly no sense. Dean had his hands to his temples, and Castiel was positively pleased.

“Screw it, Cas. Fuck me.”

Castiel’s eyes opened wide with Dean’s cock still in his mouth. This was not on the list.

They had never gotten that far. Sometimes, Castiel would not even take out his cock, assuring Dean that, as an angel, he did not need release.

There was always this limit - this unspoken line that Dean did not seem to want to cross. Maybe it was a lingering insecurity of his, or perhaps he was afraid of the possible consequences. Castiel did not know.

And here he was, asking for it - asking to _be fucked_ of all things.

Castiel rose up and looked at Dean straight in the eyes. They were glistening slightly, catching the light from the lamp in the nightstand. His chest swelled a little bit, and he felt his cheeks burn slightly.

He could stare at those eyes for hours.

“Dean, we’ve never done that before,” said Castiel. He felt his spit painted around his lips and getting cold against the room’s airconditioning.

“I know. But I want to, Cas - for...for you too.”

Castiel had only ever had intercourse once before. It was with that reaper, April, who tried to kill him afterwards and almost succeeded. This was different, however, because this was Dean, and he would certainly not attempt to kill Castiel when they were finished.

There were a host of other differences. Dean was male, firstly. There were definite anatomical differences between his body and April’s vessel. As far as Castiel was concerned, this would present problems as the hole he would use to enter Dean was different. It was unfamiliar territory. Secondly, he and Dean were friends - practically family - and he was concerned about the potential consequences of such an act. Thirdly-

“Hey, if you don’t want to, it’s okay.” Dean’s eyes were locked intently on Castiel’s, softening as he spoke. Castiel had always noticed how Dean’s eyes always mirrored what he was saying. This time, they said, _It’s okay_. His heart fluttered.

“It’s not that, Dean. I...I’ve just never had intercourse with you before.”

“I trust you.”

Castiel had to admit the thought of _actually_ having intercourse with Dean had crossed his mind at some point - or, really, many points. It was not so much the pleasure as it was the bond that it represented. He yearned to be close to Dean in every sense of the word, but it simply never occurred to him that it would ever happen. They arrived at this junction every time, but Dean would always find a way to silently redirect the situation. Castiel was not blind to this, because, well, he wanted it too.

“Okay, Dean.”

Castiel said it calmly, hiding the tension building up underneath. In a few moments, he would be having intercourse with Dean, the most intimate thing they’ve ever done.

“You’ve gotta wear protection this time. Check the drawer.” Dean pointed to the nightstand. He was excited, and Castiel knew it.

_Wait, Dean had brought protection?_

Perhaps this was not so unplanned after all. Something really was different this time.

Castiel got up and combed through the items in the nightstand. He found a condom and a bottle of lubricant. Meanwhile, Dean took off his pants and shoes, and he was completely naked now. Castiel quickly took a peek and then looked down. He was starting to feel tense, like he was about to invade Dean’s privacy somehow.

Castiel felt a weight on his chest. He was a good student, but he may not be able to learn this one quickly enough.

Closing the drawer, he started taking off his pants slowly so that he could have more time to prepare himself mentally. Dean seemed to like it though, as he had turned to Castiel’s side and said, “Don’t be a tease, Cas. Hot and bothered here.”

He could only look at Dean with a lopsided smile. He took off his underwear and placed the condom and lubricant on the blanket. Dean, on the other hand, put a pillow underneath his ass to raise himself off the bed.

Castiel then went on the bed and knelt in front of Dean between his legs. He took out the condom from the packaging, held it up to his face and examined it. It was circular and rolled up at the sides, and in the center there was a...protrusion?

“Roll it over your dick.”

Castiel must have seemed confused, which he certainly was. He placed the edge of the condom on the head of his cock and rolled it like a wheel on a road.

Dean laughed, “No, man! Not like that!”

Everything was confusing right now. Admittedly, this was not the first time Castiel was exposed to sex between two men. After he had watched the video of the pizza man slapping a woman’s posterior while performing sexual acts on her (out of love), he started further research on human sexuality. He eventually stumbled upon a video of two men copulating, and, indeed, they used a condom.

But it did not show how they had put on the condom.

“Put it in front of your junk and unroll it,” Dean explained, still chuckling.

Castiel obeyed Dean’s instructions and unrolled it over his dick. It felt strange, like he was constricted somehow.

“Okay, Cas, wait. You gotta get hard first.”

Dean sat up from the bed and was about to reach over and grab Castiel’s dick, but the anxiety made Castiel stop him.

“No! I’ll - I’ll do it.”

“No, Cas. I wanna do it.”

“I _insist_ ,” emphasized Castiel with his commanding voice. He looked at Dean again with a squint and pointed lips.

“Okay then. You’re the boss,” Dean replied, smiling as he looked up. For a moment, Castiel could’ve sworn he saw a flash of something in those eyes, right before Dean lied back down on the bed.

Castiel was doing his best to hide the mounting pressure inside of him. Dean was here, asking for intercourse. He knew he had to perform. To bring home another win for Dean.

His heart started thumping a little.

He grabbed the bottle of lubricant and smeared some over his wrapped cock until it was slick. Gently, he started stroking it up and down, with the same up and down motions he used on Dean. His cock slowly got harder, twitching every so often. It felt a bit strange, because he was wearing a condom. It felt like his cock was trapped.

But, as Dean said, one must not forget protection.

Castiel took hold of one of Dean’s legs and placed it on his shoulder. He had seen this in the video of the two men copulating. There was also posterior-slapping involved in that video, which seemed like an interesting experiment to try later. Dean closed his eyes, waiting.

Castiel examined Dean’s naked form. It almost seemed sacred - the body of the righteous man he raised from perdition all those years ago. In a few moments, he would be entering it. His heart began beating faster. He felt like he was about to desecrate something so pure and divine.

No. He will do this, because Dean had permitted him and Castiel knew that Dean wanted it too. God help him, he will fuck Dean. The pressure would not overwhelm him, and he intended to prove it.

“Dean, I will…,” Castiel gulped silently, “I will...begin the mating process.”

Dean let out a laugh. Every ounce of confidence Castiel had was lost.

“Are you ready?” Castiel breathed again. “I - I will enter you now.”

“Go ahead, Cas.”

“Are you sure, Dean? Copulation might be -”

“ _Cas._ ”

No more procrastination. Castiel firmly grabbed his cock and placed it in front of Dean’s crack. He started pushing the head of his cock ever so slowly inside. Dean shuddered. Then, taking another cue from the video, Castiel started rubbing his cock’s head up and down Dean’s crack.

“ _Mmmmhh_ \- yeah, just like that, Cas.”

Castiel noticed his cock getting harder too, and he started making circular motions with it inside Dean’s crack, which made Dean look to his side and breathe. To him, this might have seemed like Castiel being creative.

But, really, Castiel was trying to find Dean’s hole. He couldn’t see it from this angle.

He spread Dean wider until he could see the hole properly. There it was, the defining moment, looking Castiel in the eyes. Unfamiliar territory.

“May I begin the sex now, Dean?”

“ _Cas._ ”

His heart was now thumping at an unprecedented speed, which was normal during sexual activities. Unfortunately, it was also making him anxious, which had the side effect of getting his cock soft again.

Castiel saw Dean still with his eyes closed, waiting. It made him feel even more anxious. The same clock ticking in his mind reminding him of death was now telling him that he had little time before Dean got impatient and asked to do something else. He was afraid of losing this chance, so he started desperately jacking himself off.

When he was hard enough again, he grasped his cock firmly and pressed it against Dean’s hole.

It went soft again.

_No no no no no. This should not happen during intercourse._ Panic started creeping in. What if Dean noticed he was having trouble?

“Everything okay there buddy?” Dean said, still with his eyes closed.

God help him. Dean noticed.

Sweat formed around his temples. Castiel had to defuse the situation - fast. He had to think of something, _something_. He recalled the video for any clues.

Perhaps sexual language could work? What would he even say? It did not matter. Castiel had to try. In a moment of brilliance, he blurted out:

“I am going to fuck you very hard in your anus, Dean Winchester.”

Dean opened his eyes, taken aback by Castiel’s attempted dirty talk. He just smiled and replied, “I’ll ride you harder, Cas.”

That made it worse now, because Dean’s eyes were open and Castiel could see those green irises and his heart was fluttering again and God help him Dean would see that he could not do it. He looked down at his cock to avoid staring at Dean, and he tried jacking himself off again.

Now on his third attempt, Castiel was incredibly flustered now, and it did not help that Dean was watching him. He grabbed his cock and pressed it against Dean’s hole. He had to be successful this time. God help him, he will fuck Dean Winchester, and Dean was going to like it. He was going to beg for more. He was going to moan hard and fast. He was going to -

The next thing Castiel knew, he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking down at the clothes strewn all over the floor. His hands were cupped over his eyes, trying their best to block Dean from his field of vision.

Every fantasy Castiel had about this moment was, like all fantasies were, perfect down to the last detail. The endings were always beautiful - he and Dean, lying on the bed together, waiting for the sunrise. He wished to God that one of them came true instead.

Because this was just embarrassing.

“Cas?”

“Cas, hey. It’s okay.”

The condom was still on Castiel’s now softened cock, still making him feel constricted. This was compounded by the fact that the room felt like it was closing down on him. He could not control his breathing, which had now become fast and shallow. That ticking clock in his mind was telling him that he had wasted another chance - wasted more time.

“Easy there buddy. It happens. Even to me.”

Dean got up from the bed and sat down next to Castiel. He put an arm around Castiel’s shoulder. “Hey, come on,” said Dean. His voice was so pleasant, and Castiel felt a tinge of regret on top of his humiliation. _How could he mess up now?_

Castiel felt his ears heating up. He brought his hands to his lap and looked to the wall, away from Dean. This was one of the few moments where looking at Dean’s eyes would make him lose control.

“Come on. Don’t be like that.

The wall looked so tempting right now. Castiel felt a tug at his chest, willing him to just get up, run through the wall out of the motel, and not see or hear Dean for a while - or maybe forever. He absolutely did not want to have this conversation.

“I don’t wish to discuss it,” muttered Castiel almost inaudibly. It all just felt so wrong, like making another sound was illegal.

Dean removed his arm from Castiel’s shoulder, the cold air of the motel room replacing its warmth.

“Okay, you - you’re being way too dramatic,” said Dean, waving an arm in front of himself as he spoke. There was a hint of laughter in his words as he said, “Come on, Cas. You’re making this awkward.”

Castiel was still being tempted by the wall.

“It’s not funny, Dean. This isn’t...this isn’t how I...”

Castiel buried his face in his hands. His head was starting to feel light with the multiple trains of thought going through his mind.

“I told you man. Nothing to it.”

In the darkness of his hands, Castiel saw Sam and Dean looking at him as he stepped out of the portal to the other world. It was the moment right before he was killed by Lucifer.

“Cas.”

Castiel was just barely listening. He tried desperately to look back on his past and see a time when he had succeeded in something of importance.

His face was still buried in his hands, and this time he saw himself forcing Dean and Bobby to bow to him after he had killed Raphael - the moment he began to call himself God. The faces of the people he killed appeared before him one by one, and he saw Dean and Bobby - how they looked at him with fear.

Like he was a monster.

“ _Cas_. Snap out of it,” said Dean, waving his hand in front of Castiel.

“This is not how I envisioned this, Dean.”

“What - the sex? Cas,” Dean chuckled, “it’s really not a big deal.”

“I’m a disappointment,” was all Castiel could say. He almost enjoyed saying it, if only to stop Dean from taking the situation so lightly.

“Whoa. Okay - you stop right there - where did that come from?”

Dean put his hand on the bed and leaned away. The distance felt like ice on Castiel’s skin.

“Nothing. It’s not of import.”

Castiel put his hands down on his lap, breathing a sigh. This was not a conversation he wanted to have after coming back. He wanted to forget, to get a fresh start and begin with a clean slate.

Clearly, that clean slate had been tainted by his latest failure at intercourse.

Castiel looked to Dean’s side and saw him through his peripheral vision. He had placed his hands on his knees as well, and Castiel could tell that his body had stiffened ever so slightly. It was no longer the relaxed, amused stance that Dean had a while ago.

“Come on, Cas. Look at me.”

It seemed almost like a command, but with much less authority.

Castiel looked at Dean’s lips, trying to avoid his eyes. They had formed a thin line across Dean’s face, ever so slightly pursed. Every word and every move Castiel was making now seemed like the wrong thing to do. It felt illegal to do anything at this point.

“Dean, I don’t wish to-”

“Damn it, Cas. Say it. What the hell do you mean? Why’s this such a big deal to you?”

Now, there was authority.

Castiel was running out of options to escape this discussion. His felt a fog begin to swirl around his head, making it difficult to choose his words.

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t bring you a win. At every conceivable instance, I am always unsuccessful.” Castiel looked down again at his hands, then at the wall.

“Can’t bring me a win? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Castiel could just imagine Dean’s face right now: the lines of his eyebrows scrunching in the middle with a frustrated curiosity and his eyes repeating the same words. Dean was still leaning away from Castiel, the cold air marking the distance between them.

“ _Cas. Look at me._ We’re gonna talk about this.”

Castiel breathed a sigh. He looked at Dean, braving his eyes. When Castiel finally saw them, there was nothing there, like he was still looking at the wall.

“I…”, Castiel muttered, still choosing his words. “I was dead. Another item to add on my list of failures. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to do the right thing.” Castiel paused, turning his hands into fists.

“What have I done with my time on this world other than to fail? I’ve killed innocents when I became God. I let the leviathans loose on this world - let the angels fall out of heaven - let myself be possessed by Lucifer - attempted to rescue the world from him and instead...died,” he paused, catching a breath.

He was shaking.

“And now - _this_ ,” he continued.

Dean was silent, looking like he was not quite there.

“Dean, I have failed at every possible scenario, especially when it involves you.”

Saying it out loud cemented Castiel’s sadness about his situation. He felt like he was sinking deeper and deeper into the bed where he sat, unable to collect himself. His life was out of balance - chaotic, and no matter how hard he tried, he could never grasp it and take control.

If he still had his wings, he could simply fly away watch the sunset somewhere in peace.

Dean shook his head, his face betraying his disbelief.

“What do you want me to say, huh? That this is - this is a kid’s show with some happy ending? That things are gonna be just great and we get to live a white picket fence life and have a garden?”

“We’re hunters. We screw up. It happens! Look - those things? The past is the past. There’s no point in screwing yourself in the head over it.”

Castiel felt a pit in his stomach he could not get rid of.

Maybe he was, as Dean rightfully put it, screwed in the head. He felt himself being pulled from all sides, and his throat was drying from discomfort. He was so constricted, and all he could do was to look at the shadow he cast from the glow of the lamp.

“What matters is you’re alive and...you’re fighting the good fight.”

Dean leaned closer to Castiel, covering the distance between them.

Dean’s closeness and his voice made Castiel’s neck tingle uncomfortably, like there were painful electric shocks emanating from Dean’s skin. Being close to him suddenly felt like an invasion.

“How could I fight, Dean? Even you don’t think I’m capable of handling myself. You keep an eye on me all the time, and you wouldn’t even let me go on this case with you.”

Dean stood up and walked to the window, the moonlight framing his naked body, facing away from Castiel. Castiel watched as he did so. He rested his crossed arms on the window sill and leaned his head on them.

“Admit it, Dean. You think I’m not strong enough anymore. You started tracking my cellphone because you believe I’ve become too weak to defend myself.”

_What did he just say?_

Dean stayed silent. Castiel felt guilt wash over him, tugging at his chest. He was supposed to bring Dean a win, and here he was starting a fight.

“Dean.”

Dean continued to stay silent in the most deafening way possible. Castiel felt his throat starting to lurch.

“Dean. I’m sorr-”

“I just can’t do it anymore, Cas,” interjected Dean. He said it with solemnity as his head rested on his arms.

This was it. Castiel had said too much and now Dean would ask him to leave and he would lose his chance to be close to Dean. Little pulses of electricity started to form around his teeth, anticipating the moment, telling him to run before it happened.

“ _This_. It’s just too much. The life. Hunting. Screwing up all the time. You think you’re the only one who feels like he’s failed?”

“You’re not a failure, Dean.”

“The hell I’m not! Losing you, losing mom. Losing people I cared about. _Hell_ \- we even lost Missouri.”

Castiel felt his shoulders growing tight. He was walking on a mine field and any moment now he could make another mistake. Dean was still not looking at him.

“None of that was your fault,” said Castiel as timidly as he could.

Dean’s head rose out of his hands, looking out the window. “Then why’d I feel so wrong, huh? I friggin prayed, Cas. _Prayed_. To try to bring you back, and that did exactly jackshit. I couldn’t save you.”

“Dean-”

“You know what that feels like? To lose everyone and want to crawl out of your own skin? Punch a hole in every damn wall? You think you can’t stop failing. I can’t stop losing people. You know what? Friggin screw that.”

Dean’s hands were now fists, and one of them was bumping up the window, threatening to break it.

“I can’t lose you again, Cas,” muttered Dean, his forehead was on his arm still resting on the window sill. He looked down as his fist made gentle contact with the window.

“I can’t lose you again,” muttered Dean again, like he was no longer talking to Castiel.

Castiel could not fight back the tears forming in his eyes. His insides were seething with pain that was not his own - a pining that could not be satiated with this distance between him and Dean.

“I just can’t,” said Dean, almost inaudibly, with every syllable ringing in Castiel’s ears. Castiel noted the interminable severity of this moment. This would be a moment he would take with him forever, a moment where Dean had let him in. He was grasping for it, willing it to stay no matter how painful it was.

Castiel stood up and walked towards Dean, slowly. His chest was thumping heavy beats onto the rest of his body. He was afraid. He knew that this pivotal moment could define them forever, and that was enough to make his knees start shaking just a little.

Dean seemed so far from him right now, no matter how close he came to him.

He placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder as gently as he could then grasped firmly, testing the waters. If he could only do more to ease Dean’s pain, if there were words he could say, if there was something he could -

Suddenly, Castiel felt himself locked tight in Dean’s arms. Dean had turned around and closed the distance between them in an embrace - another moment that Castiel would take with him forever. Castiel closed his eyes as he bathed in the warmth of Dean’s body, the lightness of his touch, and the tightness of his embrace.

They each breathed in slow, drawn-out breaths, both hoping that the moment would never pass. It felt as if the ticking clock stopped right here, to give them more time.

“Promise me, Cas. Promise me you’ll never do anything stupid again,” said Dean as they embraced. His voice was gentle again, almost with a hushness to the tone, his air escaping from his lips and onto Castiel’s ear.

Castiel smiled. “I - I’ll try.”

Castiel felt Dean hug him even tighter, and the warmth turned into heat. He could feel the sweat on Dean’s torso forming against his own skin. In his gut, something was welling up: a desire to do something he had never even thought of before.

“If I plan on doing anything stupid-”

“You’ll let me know, yeah,” Dean laughed silently, his breath streaming out at the only slightly amusing line. A fire ignited within Castiel as he heard Dean’s laughter.

Dean let go of Castiel, placed his hands softly around Castiel’s neck, almost caressing his face. He kissed Castiel’s forehead, ever so gently. Then he closed his eyes and locked his lips with Castiel’s.

Castiel revelled in the heat of everything: their breaths, Dean’s mouth, Dean’s skin against his.

He felt the fire inside him burn so strongly, and he could no longer resist. His heart thumped against his chest, and he could hear each and every beat. Maybe it was the joy of the moment. Maybe it was the ticking clock that his heartbeats now reminded him of.

He had to say it.

“I love you, Dean.”

Dean let go again, taken aback by Castiel’s words. His eyes were open.

Castiel stared at those eyes and he knew in that moment that he was not looking at a wall anymore. For the first time in so many years, he finally saw it: something beautiful. The most beautiful thing he had ever seen. If he could only put it in words. If he could watch the sunset a thousand times. If he could take himself out to the night and watch the stars. If he could gaze into the light of a thousand lamps - none of it would compare to the effervescent light of Dean’s eyes, shining as brightly as his soul.

“Yeah...yeah.” Dean smiled. “You too, Cas.”

Castiel felt something welling up in his chest, and he kissed Dean again, both of them closing their eyes, taking away these first moments of love that would never happen again. It was sultry, then it became torrid, and then it became messy. The fire inside Castiel burned with a force, and he found himself floating in a space beyond time that he could not fathom.

_How could angels ever despise humans?_

“You know, Cas, I know a little something about being on top.”

“Is that so?”

“I could show you a few things, maybe.” Dean smirked, looking almost feral.

“Okay, Dean.” Castiel nodded. He could not stop his lips from curling into a smile.

***

Dean slept soundly that night, his snoring coming back with a vengeance. Castiel was thankful that he did not sleep, because he would not be able to anyway with Dean’s snoring. As Castiel lay there, looking at Dean by the light of the moon peeking from the window, he mulled over the moments he had collected that night. Maybe one day, he would fail again. Maybe he would lose his powers. Maybe he would lose his mind. Maybe he would even die again with finality.

But there was one thing he was sure of: that no matter how close the clock ticks to the end, he would be by his family’s side. He would be with Sam, Jack, and Dean. And in his last moments, he would see the glimmering light of Dean’s eyes, one last time, and recall how the walls all melted away when he said, “I love you”.

**Author's Note:**

> Questions? Comments? I'd love your feedback! Direct messages can go straight to my Tumblr: jargedcoffee.tumblr.com


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